


Detached

by Pinx_B



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: Blood, Dark, F/F, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Introspection, POV First Person, Self-Harm, Triggers, Yuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 10:06:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14470335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pinx_B/pseuds/Pinx_B
Summary: There was only so much she could take and the desperation for a way out lured her in, just like her own ability did to others...





	Detached

 

 

 

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It is a sickness. 

It is a curse. 

It is a poison.

I don't know what to define it as anymore but all I do know is that I want it removed. 

 _How_ is irrelevant, the ends justify the means. 

This isn't the life I envisioned for myself. 

Trapped. 

Isolated. 

Afraid. 

My gaze flutters around the room. 

Around my permanent prison. 

It's beautiful. 

How many could say that the place they were left to rot in was beautiful? 

I suppose my gratitude to my family should remain despite the fact that they want nothing to do with me and the shadow that follows me.

They could have easily abandoned me somewhere, made me disappear or sold me off to have my being examined. 

But of course, that would tarnish the Saigyouji family name. 

So the next best option was to leave me in this stunning & comfortable house that is spacious, has gorgeous scenery & sectioned off from the main land. 

How thoughtful of them. 

It has been years since I last saw my family, or anyone for that matter. 

My company are my thoughts, writing, painting and staring off at the distance towards that tree. 

But the activity that keeps me stapled to reality?

Testing my tolerance of pain. 

This was my routine. 

Until _she_ came. 

 

However, she isn't here now and I feel the draw to the knife lingering on the table, next to the paper I was cutting to write on. 

Throughout that process, it was my skin I was picturing rather than the paper being sliced. 

Smooth, slim and slick.

The ease in which the knife slid down the length of the parchment, it was euphoric. 

I promised her I wouldn't do it again. 

It was a promise I could keep when she was around to distract me from my desperation of wanting to end this. 

However, it isn't _enough_. 

Even though she came into my life, the loneliness never departs. 

I don't deserve her, I don't deserve to be breathing when all I do is bring pain and death to everyone around me. 

Let me taste the kiss of death for a change, let me end the suffering I cause her & anyone else that comes near me. 

The thing is, I _have_ tasted it and I want more. 

This is but mere practice for the real thing. 

My trembling fingers reach out to caress the cool blade, the texture of it going from firm safety of the handle to the cold metal of the sharp ridges. 

Before I know it, it is clutched between my fingers, a gulp being swallowed as I place the wrist of my other hand on the table. 

The irony of feeling alive when wishing for death doesn't pass my stream of thoughts, it's an oxymoron I have lived with for the entirety of my existence. 

It was engraved in me along with this curse. 

I want to sever _both_. 

Severing my skin will be a start. 

My breathing is steady, my tears cease falling, my heart stops aching. 

The blade is my antidote & as I slide it across my wrist, I relish in the reprieve it gives me. 

The first cut is always the best. 

I see the fine line of crimson floating up my skin as the stinging sensation settles, numbing everything else I'm feeling. 

An exhale passes my lips as I close my eyes and sink into the rush, finally being cushioned in comfort. 

It feels _so_ good. 

It feels like I have a purpose again. 

The knife collides again with my skin when I angle the ridge against my veins & drag across. This time, the pressure was harder, deeper, both attributing to the influx of blood coursing out. It slides down over the first cut in the motion of the waves lapping at a lake. I sigh against the pain with a smile whilst squeezing my fist which makes the blood gush out further. 

Now that my rhythm is found, I don't have to hesitate as I let the subdued feeling sweep through me with each swipe of the knife. 

My arm is flat against the surface as line after line is projected onto my now bloodied wrist. 

I want to die, it would be the most sublime way to go. 

But I know I can't end my life right now, not like this, not without ensuring that the remnants of the grief I cause everyone else is sealed forever. 

So for the time being, for tonight, I will continue to etch wounds into my skin as the emptiness is filled with something, _anything_. 

The table is dyed red now and my pale skin is charred with lines of all sizes. I don't realise that I'm shaking, that the knife in my hand is slipping due to the liquid. My breathing is sallow as I revel in the burning pain, each cut rife and pulsing with blood. 

I need _more_. 

I _can't_ stop.

I need to dig further till I can see the blue of my veins, the pink of my muscles, the white of my bones. 

I need to feel something other than despair so I raise the knife a good distance away from my hand, preparing to plunge it in. 

She's here before I know it. 

 

_Yuyuko!_

Her hand clamps over my wrist, pulling it back and I've no energy to stop her, the knife slipping from my fingers. 

But the draw to it is suffocating. 

I reach for the blade again on the table but she pushes me and holds me tight against her. We're on our knees and I grab at her dress to let me go, to let me retrieve my escape.

But I make the mistake of looking up into her eyes. 

She's crying. 

Yukari is crying. 

Her entrancing violet eyes are glistening with liquid, her blonde brows contorted in fear and worry and sadness. 

Maybe this is how I die, by causing the woman I love so much stress. 

I feel something press against my mutilated wrist to stop the bleeding. She's holding a cloth against it whilst asking me why, _why_ I did this. 

The numbness is coming from all directions now. 

The heartbreak in Yukari's voice. 

The cuts on my skin. 

The hole in my soul. 

The tears in Yukari's eyes. 

I feel nauseous and it is overwhelming, causing me to stumble forward but Yukari is there, steadying me as she always does and how do I repay her? 

By yielding to the sick feeling of wanting to give everyone else a better life in the most despicable way possible. 

My lips part to speak and I can taste the saltiness of my own tears as they stream down my cheeks. 

Apologise, I want to apologise to her. 

I broke my promise and hurt her by hurting myself. 

The words don't come and she shakes her head gently before pressing her forehead against mine and saying it's okay, that she isn't angry, that she is here with me. She is giving me forgiveness again, like she always has done and it makes me feel pathetic. 

 _I_ am pathetic. 

All I want to do is make things right and I manage to mess that up. 

It is then that I realise that my final solution needs to be carried out. 

If I'm really going to make things okay, for Yukari and everyone else, then I have to see to being permanently gone from the world. 

All I do is surround her in death; be it the butterflies, the knives or my forced smiles, I'm slowly killing Yukari. 

I'm destroying her and I can't bear to do that anymore. 

By doing this, I can provide happiness for myself and for her. She doesn't deserve to be inflicted with the worry I provide her. I'm nothing but a damned human & she is the most ethereal of youkai. One that I have kept as a lifeline long enough and now, it is time I do something that will put everything right. 

There is going to be one more time that a knife will pierce my skin. 

It'll gouge into the pit of my stomach with no chance of surviving. 

It'll stop it all, my emptiness & suffering. 

For the final time, all the blood that pumps through me will stop spilling.

As she holds me closer and kisses my hair, I whisper into her chest with gentleness and care. Though she won't know of the words that I said, I'll continue to love her now until long after I'm dead. 

I have nothing to lose. 

She is better off without me. 

All I am is a miserable excuse. 

Yukari, please forgive me.


End file.
